I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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