im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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