I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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