I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
