Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it's great music for shaving your balls
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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