my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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