no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
