I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I need a beard to bite.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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