I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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