I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
