went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
