So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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