dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
