Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
