Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
