all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
