If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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