someone owes me an orgasm
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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