Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
