I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
