you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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