i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i think my cat just said my name.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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