Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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