remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
