so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
