You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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