and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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