Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
