You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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