I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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