Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
