An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
