I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
ok first of all what the fuck
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize