it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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