i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
