sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
