Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
