Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
