they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hippo gnu deer
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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