i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
