that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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