people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
