the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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