god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Semen is not good for contacts.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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