3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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