her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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