You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
