He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
