Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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