Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
