I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
