Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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