is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
