How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Randomize