Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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