yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
