mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
