just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
