I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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