I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
