cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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